Good Grief

I had the heavy privilege of sitting with my Aunt, when she passed from this life into eternity. She fought her battle with Multiple Myeloma for seventeen long years. When her kidneys had completely failed, and her body was riddled with cancer, she made the decision to go home. I watched as she took her last breath, after only three days on hospice.

Just three weeks later, my elderly dog, who had brought comfort during that difficult time, passed away in my arms, similarly fighting to breathe from the effects of congestive heart failure. Once again, I had to look death in the face, and feel its sting.

In the months following those tragic experiences, I struggled to connect with people. I could no longer mask my feelings in social situations, or appease those who were offended by my need for space to heal. My suffering exposed the people in my life who were not really ever for me. After being condemned and betrayed by a close friend, I was no longer sure who I could trust, or where I belonged. My grief was now compounded by loneliness and fear. I knew this condemnation did not come from God, but I could not overcome the darkness that surrounded my life. I doubted my ability to make friends, or sustain healthy relationships. Despite my insecurity, I knew in my heart that I could still trust God. I placed my future and my family in His hands, knowing He would be faithful to supply all our needs.

Even in my darkest hour, I held onto this truth: He is my Faithful Friend and He is Good. Christ Jesus gave up the beauty of Heaven to come to Earth as a man. He intimately knows what it means to be misunderstood, mocked, ridiculed, and betrayed, even by his closest companions. Not only did He experience death, He defeated it, when He overcame the grave. He sacrificed everything to offer us the opportunity to experience His grace in life, and His glory, in death.

“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But, thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” - 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 (KJV).

God has opened my eyes to see that the grief I walked through was good, because it set me free. I had shackled myself to burdens I was not asked to carry. I had become a slave to the expectations of other people. Striving and stressing gave me a prideful sense of purpose. Trying to be who I thought people wanted me to be, provided a false sense of belonging. In my fear, I held a tight grip on the chains that bound me. In the wake of pain and suffering, I could see that I had already been freed, by the finished work Jesus has completed. All I had to do, was open my hands and let go.

Death has a way of putting life into perspective. Sorrow taught me that my worries had been so trivial. It pains me to think about how much time I have wasted, focused on worldly things. Colossians 3 reminds me to instead set my mind on the heavenly things above. That chapter also says that I must forgive, just as Christ has forgiven me. Today, as I remember the pain of my past, I choose to “put on love” and “let the peace of God rule in [my] heart.”

I continue to walk the path of forgiveness, and move forward to the places God is leading. The areas of my life that once felt empty, are now being filled up with new friendships and opportunities for real connection. I now have capacity to embrace the fullness of God’s blessings.

If you are reading this, while walking through your own season of grief, I want to encourage you. Open up your hands and let go of the things He is asking you to release. He hears conversations that you do not hear. He sees what you cannot see. Allow the tears you cry to clarify your vision, so that you can see the work He is doing in you and for you. His promises for your life will be fulfilled; all you have to do is surrender. There is nothing you will experience in this life that He does not understand. He has endured unfathomable suffering, for the sake of your salvation. You can trust in Him, because He is your Faithful Friend and He is Good.

Deuteronomy 31:6&8 (NIV), “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you … do not be discouraged.”

Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

In loving memory of my beautiful Aunt, Cari Russell.

She Is

By: Lauren (Moore) Luellen

She is comforting. Welcoming.

“Come on in and stay a while.”

She is … Friend, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Granddaughter, Cousin, Aunt Cari, ACBA.

“Aunt … carry me.”

Carry me through this.

She is the faint smell of smoke. Dryer sheets. Warm vanilla.

She is driver of the “Mouse Mobile.” Old-school rap. Burgundy seats. Lit cigarette, tan skin, sunglasses on. Driving me to Taco Bell.

Just because … She Is.

She is Artist. Painting memories. “Let’s color Shorty”— Outlining my childhood with marker. Blue and Purple.

She is the keeper of change thrown on the floorboard. “You clean it up, you keep it” … “Don’t spend it all in one place, Shorty.”

I want to spend it all.

Spend some time with her.

Please God, let it buy me more time.

She is a picture taken. Camouflage outfit. Camouflaged illness --- Underneath the smile. Hiding. Patiently waiting. She is part of my Trinity. The women that raised me. The three that protected me, under the shadow of their wings.

She is everything I never want to lose. She is a piece of the puzzle. My puzzle. The fear that her piece will go missing.

She is a rebel. A tattoo – Double infinity cross. Etched into my skin. Blue and Purple.

… the needle a stinging reminder of what lies ahead. The tears sting. They force their way onto my cheeks as I think about all that She Is to me.

She is stronger than her pain. Please Lord, take away her pain. She is fighting the war that rages inside of her. The cancer that multiplies. No longer hiding. No longer patient.

She is here and now. Live in the moment. Seize the day. Carpe Diem.

Hold on to this moment. Hold on to her memories. Hold on to all that She Is.

Just because … She Is.